When Ex-Bae had a Nicer Ass than You

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I think I’m a psychopath and bipolar (wait, do the two coincide?). Anyway, so Mr.X didn’t show up to class today, damn it. So what do I do for the rest of the day, wait, hope, pray that he shows up to any of my other classes like a miracle sent to ease my craning neck staring at the classroom door. My frustration towards the unconditional attention I give Mr.X even caused me to blow up at Mr.Sexy (not cool Scarlet). I obviously apologized later, but I don’t know, it’s just that I get really defensive with my emotions. I also realized that I might be a psychopath because by roasting Mr.X through a public blog, I don’t think he would ever like me, but learn from me, now that’s something he will really get out of this. All this talk about relationships and being with someone really did get me thinking about my very first relationship in grade 7. I’ve had other relationships before, but I would not call them “actual” relationships simply because they only lasted for a couple of weeks. Mind you this relationship lasted for half a school year (pretty impressive for elementary school kids).

His name was Mr.Booty. And no, it is not because he grabbed my ass (he tried to once, I punched him in the nuts) but because he had the biggest ass for a guy. I mean like the peach emoji actually does justice to his ass. IT WAS HUGE!!!! Every time we would hug, his ass would just stick out as if it were its own person. Okay, enough about his ass. Mr.Booty and I knew each other for like our entire lives because my next door neighbor and his sister were best friends so whenever she would come over, Mr.Booty and I would play outside. We were good friends, and to be honest with you, I never really saw him more than a best friend (ohhhh Scarlet friend zoned a guy). No, I did not. What really happened was during the summer of sixth grade, Mr.Booty used that thing that is dead now but was like Facebook…God, what is it called??? Right MSN. Yeah well, he used MSN to send out a post saying and I roughly quote: “Scarlet, I liked you for a long time, and I think you’re very pretty, do you want to be my girlfriend?” Awwww, that was so cute (about the only cute thing he ever did). I didn’t say yes right away, because as you may remember this was also the time Mr.Bossman made my life hell and left to Brown town. So a few weeks after 7th grade started and I knew for sure that I am emotionally stable and not blind, I said yes to Mr.Booty (yeah that’s right, I used to think before I acted… some of y’all should learn to do that as well). It was all cute and shit from holding hands to sitting together in the soccer field during recess and hugging to keep warm during the winter. I even had my first slow dance and first proper kiss with Mr.Booty. I think the best part of our relationship were the mornings. There is a catwalk (you know that thing with fences and a walkway) that connects our school to my street. Every day at 8:00 Mr.Booty would wait in that catwalk for me, and since the catwalk was facing my room, I would send hand signals that we made up to talk to each other (we didn’t have proper phones during this time), soooo romantic I know.

So what happened Scarlet? Why are you not with him anymore? Well, I can honestly say it all came down to maturity. Mr.Booty and I were not on the same wavelength; the same frequency when it came down to academics, emotional maturity, and investment in a relationship. For example, for Christmas, I got him a box of expensive chocolates and a thoughtfully written card, and for his birthday I got him a cute ceramic cat that I painted (trust me it was cute and he loves cats). Now our relationship, well it didn’t last until my birthday, but for Christmas, he got me a bar of Lindt that he picked up 3 weeks after Christmas. Real romantic Mr.Booty. Now there was another reason our relationship didn’t quite workout. Now you know when a girl hits puberty, she gets a growth spurt and eventually stops growing. Well, I got a growth spurt in the 6th grade which made me average height. Now Mr.Booty didn’t hit puberty all the way during this time, so guess what, every time we hugged, let’s just say his face was only a few centimetres away from my boobs. Yeah…. I mean he’s definitely taller than me now, but back then, it was a bit awkward. So yeah, Mr.Booty and I kind of drifted apart without really confirming that we broke up. But now, after like 4 years, I can safely say, Mr.Booty you were my first boyfriend and I don’t fuckin know what I was thinking, but that ass though!!! 😉


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