Cinderella & False Promises


Since I was a little girl, I grew up watching every single fuckin Disney movie. Every night for as long as I can remember, I fell asleep to the soothing sound of my mother reading a book often about a beautiful princess who got her ass saved by some guy whose only goal is to fuck the thicc girl with a great face. He would make her his sex slave by marrying her and imprisoning her in yet another prison, now known as a castle. I grew older (not taller) with the idealistic thought that all my dreams will come true, my dreams of meeting my dream man and being swept off my feet, getting a life with no problems, and the good always prevailing over evil. At one point in my life (more like two weeks ago), I believed in destiny, you know a series of coincidental events that results in something amazing happening in the future. Yeah, it’s the opposite of fate, and frankly, I don’t believe in either. You know Disney and Fuckboys have a lot in common; they both act all sweet and innocent in the beginning, but in the end, they are filled with lies and too many possibilities that lead to nowhere but empty promises. One book, or several remakes made in honor of this book, that I grew to love (I still don’t why) was Cinderella.

Let me break down this beloved tale for your subjective eyes:
Cinderella is about a little girl who grew up without a mother. When her father remarried a bitch (now why do all stepmothers have to be villains in media, this will only lead to more hot widowed men in our society) with two mini bitches at tow, Cinderella thought things were only going to get better (sweetheart, things are not going to get better). When her father died…no let me rephrase, when her father was brutally killed by his bitchy wife who spiked his morning coffee with poison Cinderella became a free child laborer (hey Disney, almost all your merchandise is made by child laborers). Anyway, Cinderella lived as a child laborer and was given a dusty attic for a room. This has resulted in Cinderella developing asthma by being made to clean the fireplace. However, as a consequence of walking up 20 flights, Cinderella had killer legs (no wonder she shows it off to her prince charming).

One day, a message got sent out to every eligible maiden in the kingdom, a royal proclamation, announcing a ball in honor of the return of Prince Charming. He got fuckin high on mushrooms and went gallivanting into the woods and started communicating with animals for six months before the effect wore off and he returned home. This ball is also a chance for Prince Charming to choose his princess. Listen up girls, you have no say in who your husband is, he chooses for you, and it’s all based on looks. Wow, thanks for teaching us such a sexist lesson Disney. And why Prince Charming? Looks don’t run a kingdom sweetheart; you need a brain too buddy.

Cinderella all excited to go to this ball and meet Prince Charming was given false hope as her bitchy stepmother decided to work Cinderella up until the very minute before they were to leave for the ball. No, but remember, Cinderella spent almost ten years now without barely any human interaction, so she has developed schizophrenia; thus all she does is talk to mice and birds and makes clothes for them. Now, these mice supposedly have taken over bitchy stepmother’s dwelling (this shows how well Cinderella cleans, maybe she should sing a little less and dust for a change) and helped scrape together material to remake an old dress that Cinderella had lying around. Cinderella has a grand entrance coming downstairs all cute and all but ends up getting her dress torn apart as pieces of the dresses have been identified as stolen (you wouldn’t have this pest problem if not for a better cleaning crew). Cinderella all hormonally crazed goes crying to a garden when light glitter from all directions, yes it is the Deux Ex Machina godmother who changes the mice to horses, the horses to a driver and pumpkin to a carriage (wait would the carriage then smell like pumpkin pie) and turns Cinderella into princess worthy. Just for amusement, she gave Cinderella glass slippers which for your information is not recommended by all orthopedic doctors.

So Cinderella goes to a ball late, becomes the center of all attention, dances with the prince (and probably did more than that), becomes a topic of envy, and leaves at the stroke of midnight (what is with everything happening at midnight). Now this Prince with a foot fetish, and the indecency to learn the name of the girl that he may or may not have fucked. He spends all night and all day getting someone else to look for the girl with the size 4 feet. And you know the rest of the story, because let’s face it, we all know that Cinderella lives happily after all.

Does any of this seem realistic to you? Disney shows the stereotype of the “everyday” woman and gives people the idealistic idea that the good and innocent will get a happily ever after. I’m not saying that it is impossible, only that one must work to get what they want in society. This was my go to fairytale when I was little, but now that my brain grew a little, my subjective view also broadened and helped me realize that Disney should create more realistic movies for children to watch like I don’t know, a lesbian Elsa for Frozen 2, just a suggestion.

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